aWesoMe, iS it nOt? LiFe is.

Bad habit

2012-01-13T20:18:00.001+08:00

What do you do with bad habits you cant seem to get rid of? I have one and it's killing me coz i know it's so damn wrong, it will suffocate and hurt me in one way or another yet i still come back running when the call comes. I feel like an idiot, everytime. I need to fix it.

So be it

2012-01-09T21:45:00.001+08:00

I feel misguided and suffocated, I feel like screaming. So be it, if this is where we stand.

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Resolution.

2012-01-02T14:14:00.000+08:00

No, more like a short term target. What I want in the near future.

Career:
New job starting tomorrow. I'm not as nervous as before but I have an extremely good feeling for this. A sense of relief, I don't know why. Not that I hate my last workplace. I actually enjoyed the nature of the job. But, I know I was looking for more.

Friendship:
I am now on a shaky boat. My best friend lives halfway around the world. I don't easily connect with people. And when I do connect to this girl at work, I quit the job already. The friends I have now, well they are there. But I can't seem to talk to them. I mean, really talk. Troubles, hardships, worries, happiness. I wish to find one I can easily talk things that trouble me most the soonest.

Relationship:
There is one that I am trying but the other end of the phone is not responding likewise. Maybe I should just stop and keep my options open.

Family:
For the first time of my entire adult life, I yelled back at my mother, which I'm not proud of but I said sorry to her because I mean it right afterwards. I really am sorry, and I was shocked too myself. I know I am this hard shelled stubborn daughter who never cries in front of you except during two funerals of my grandparents. I just want you to know that I am also a responsible daughter who says sorry when she's in the wrong. I am proud of myself when I realized that, and I hope you are too. I am reconnecting back with my baby sister, spending more time doing girl's things like others sisters do. As of my brothers, I should try as much too.

Self:
Like last year, I want to shed some of that extra pounds.

Health:
I don't feel as well as I did before. I should take care more. Take up some insurance plan or something. Exercise more than I do now.

2012

2012-01-01T01:41:00.001+08:00

I start my new year feeling bitter.

Oh, i wish it gets better tomorrow morning.

Muse

2011-12-29T12:20:00.001+08:00

Oh well. Did i say we both quit trying? But then again, flames are easier to lit if the sparks are there.

This might be a wee bit early, but i think i found my muse :)

I just cant decide what am i gonna do with him yet. There's too many questions. Doubts. Distrust. Mutual understandings. Hmm.

He reads me like an open book. Sometimes. I wish we talk about each other more so that i can finally make up my mind, pronto.

He's a muse i want to keep.

datang dan temui aku

2011-12-06T21:40:00.001+08:00

takutnya aku pada apa yang tak pasti.
datang dan pergi dia.
suaranya bergema di telinga.
ingin aku mendengar itu.
bisikan-bisikan itu.
apa silapnya kata kita?

aku ingin pergi pada masa lalu.
padamkan silap itu.
semoga esok kau ingat aku.
seperti aku ingat dirimu.
dan terbuailah kita,
di balik usikan dan rasa.

Now

2011-12-04T01:13:00.001+08:00

* Live from Genting.

It's been a few years already. It's time to scratch the wishlist. It's not always sunny and bright in my kingdom.

I need a time off from all these madness.

Izzat is driving me insane. My mother decided it's not ok for me to go back home today. Work is difficult on me. I just feel restless.

and I desperately need a break.

mr-almost-right

2011-11-06T07:39:00.000+08:00

Oh yes, almost.

Everything is exactly how i wanted him to be but we had a huge misunderstanding neither of us can fix.

So, it's goodbye, already. I quit trying. And it seems like he quits too. Oh, well.
He's another one that got away, but sweetest of them all.

Tokki Pok Hitam

2011-11-05T11:36:00.000+08:00

I lost my only Tokki yesterday. He succumbed to his health condition at 8.55 am yesterday morning.

My Tokki drove himself to Hospital Kemaman, from Seri Bandi which is about 30-40 mins away, alone, parked his car right in front of the emergency area, locked his car properly and admitted himself to Emergency Unit. That's my Tokki that I know :)

He was warded on Wednesday morning. Both his wives came to the hospital immediately. I suppose the medical staffs got a little bit of shock XD

Both my step-grandmothers told us that during the checkup when some 10 doctors including trainee doctors gathering around Tokki's bed , there were announcements to remove a car. And that's my Tokki's.

We all gathered in Kemaman within the day. I made a record time of 2.5 hrs KL-Kemaman, which usually will take 4 hours. I feared that I won't be able to make it in time.

It seems like Tokki had waited for us all to arrive to see him. Even Pak Long Mat from Penang managed to see him when he arrived the next morning. He seems to stabilize by then. I did massaged his legs a bit but I regret that I didn't say a word to him. You know I'm there, right?

While we worried on who will take turns to keep an eye on him after the holidays, HE had a better plan. Tokki left us on Friday morning. I had the opportunity to mandikan Tokki. And seeing his face, I wanted to smile as well. I remember his beard tickling my cheeks when I kissed him goodbye.

We bid farewell to Tokki by talking and reminiscing his antics. Oh, every story is hilarious. You will always be remembered, Tokki :)

The third call

2011-11-05T11:23:00.002+08:00

The third call came the day before yesterday and i was ecstatic. Good news came. Bad news followed suit.

Traffic, 10 days later.

2011-10-28T19:51:00.004+08:00

9.11 am
I blinked when I see it which didnt register on me for a few seconds.

Then I grinned. My boss was right beside me. In fact, she was trying to engage me in a bossy order which I put off mindlessly.

* Come and pick up your IC
Flustered, come and send it here.
--> I'm not a dispatcher (-_-)T

* Would you come? I wanna treat you
Flustered, whaaat I need to treat you?
--> I said I want to do that (-_-)T

:D

Call me call me call me!

2011-10-28T19:46:00.000+08:00

Did I tell you I had been waiting for three particular calls?

One of them called on Monday.
I paid a visit on the next day and I felt relieved :)

The other one called today and put a big silly smile on my face the whole day.
I'm planning to return the call in half an hour :D

I am now waiting for the third, the most important of all three. Hopefully i will get the call next week.

Patience is a virtue after all.

*keeping my fingers crossed*

phone calls

2011-10-21T00:10:00.000+08:00

I have been hanging around my phone since the last few weeks for calls that have not came.

3 calls, in fact.

Would someone just call me already?

Speak

2011-10-15T23:23:00.000+08:00

It speaks volume.

Now I rest my case.

Beast

2011-10-12T04:43:00.000+08:00

Who are you to call others a beast when you're just one yourself, only worse?

Who are you trying to kid?

Pegi mamposlah!

Now or never

2011-10-09T00:00:00.001+08:00

There. I gave it my last try and that's it. Whether it will work or not is beyond me but like I already said, it's done.

Now it's a waiting game. It took a great amount of courage from me which is necessary because now I know I already did everything I could have done within my means.

And if it wasn't meant to be, then it isn't and I am now prepared to take that too because living everyday, wondering of what could have been is even worse to take.

Stranger

2011-10-07T23:51:00.003+08:00

There wasn't much of instances where i made a complete fool of myself.

But these past few days, I wasn't being myself at the sight of a stranger.

The signs?

I knew it was him before he materialized. How am I supposed to take that?

He noticed how I was restraining myself from staring. How am I supposed to take that?

I knew he was staring without me looking straight back. How am I supposed to take that?

And a thousand other things I dare not say here. How am I supposed to take that?

The last time I behaved this way was 8 years ago, and I remember vividly what came next.

I don't flirt, yet I was doing exactly that. I'm not my bubbly self with strangers, yet I was doing exactly that. I don't call friends for advice, yet I was doing exactly that. I do not give my numbers to strangers, yet I was doing exactly that.

And when he did call, I went tongue tied and all I did was giggling. GIGGLING! It was utter nonsense. At the moment, I am still deciding whether or not to call him and abandon all my self containment and just talk.

Who are you, stranger and what are you doing to me?

Traffic

2011-10-07T13:02:00.003+08:00

5/Oct
Esok.

6/Oct
0930 hrs
High beam :)

1600 hrs
Takutlah salah kasi signal.

1700 hrs
Dah bagi signal kanan. Tinggal nk drive masuk simpang kanan je.

2030 hrs
Lamalah lampu merah.

2200 hrs
Ah langgar je lah.

7/Oct
1030 hrs
Ada harapan xkena saman?

1300 hrs
..................

1600 hrs
Dia: tak tgk org melintas pon?
Aku: nmpak, tapi tak tgk.

1700 hrs
keluar parking, tp bayar toll & collect receipt dulu. nanti boleh claim :D

2300 hrs
nk kena hon ke?

Conclusion:
Undecided yet. Anxious to know.

Why?

2011-10-02T00:32:00.002+08:00

I could not fathom this.

Indescribable loss of mutual understanding.

And the absence of importance.

now

2011-09-30T03:41:00.005+08:00

in less than 24 hrs, i will hit the quarter century old mark. I feel like an old fox already. So let's see of what i thought of on my almost birthday.

1) I said goodbye to my once-upon-a-time for the last time with much more resolution, as from now on i understand that he is finally out of my reach and i should stop dwelling on what could have been. Our story does not have a happy ending like we dreamed then. There were regrets lingering after the breakup which i can barely recall. I suppose his story wasn't mine.

2) I'm not really sure if it's hormonal or it might just be raw emotion. I wept listening to this song in the car.

Why?

The lyrics. Particularly this line.

"Karna bagiku kau kehormatanku"

And this.

"Semua keinginan akan aku lakukan,

Sekuat termampuku sayang"

Oh i pray hard that i'll have one who mean this about me one day. One day.

******I would finish this birthday post, but my consciousness is fading in and out so i'll continue in a few days.

***********************
3) Reminder to self, it went and goes so do not stop and dwell.

4) If you ask me what I wished for my birthday, there are two that I want. In 2 weeks I hope I can get one of them.

5) I witnessed firsthand last night, of what I do not want to become, and what I need to fix. I am bent on the fixing because it pained me so. To fix that, I need to become dependent, of which I normally resent, but not to this.

Should I?

2011-09-25T03:46:00.002+08:00

I should have been more vain.
I should have been more shameless.
I should have shed more of that pride.
I should have smiled more.
I should have been more flirtatious and cheekier.
I should have been more approachable.
I should pay more attention to people around me.

But then would have been LESS me.

Then I would be less interesting, oui?

This is the inevitable goodbye.

2011-09-25T03:35:00.002+08:00

It's goodbye, for real, hard and cold, in a few months or so. I did not expect it to happen this soon. Not with what happened. Not with the silly, simple responses to the smallest move i made.

I feel like an idiot for letting the thread loose all these years. I was misled. I misunderstood.

So, I guess this is it. And it felt surreal.

Goodbye to you, my once-upon-a-time :(

2011-04-17T23:03:00.001+08:00

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;)

2011-04-15T23:57:00.001+08:00

I have something to look forward to in the next two months.

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bridges

2011-02-16T23:24:00.002+08:00

i see bridges burnt and went up in flames while i can do nothing to put it out.

it's just not my place to say anything. sorry.

i hope the three of you would reconcile sooner or later.

fingers crossed

2011-02-15T23:12:00.001+08:00

i have something to look forward to this week.

it'll be three long weekdays for me.

rants

2011-02-14T03:51:00.007+08:00

this is a little awkward but i have been fidgeting around this one (ok, make it two!) for a long time and i need to get it off my head. for now.

closest friends think i'm clueless when it comes to reading between the lines. heck, even i think i'm clueless too. but sometimes, i'm not.

so here's the thing. there's a guy who hypothetically asked me what would my respond be if he asks me out? his body language; a straight up confession, to my dreaded horror. i said no, straight up. our little banter might sounded like a joke, but i truly wish he gets the message. at that time, i've been close to him for a few weeks and i found him sweet & caring but his constant chatter is driving me nuts. i do not see any future with a chatterbox like that, so i shut him off. but as a friend, he's nice. we joke a lot. and when i got annoyed of all nonsensical stuffs sprouting from his mouth i would just tell him to shut up. when he's not feeling well, i'll wish him well. when i'm sick he made me go to the hospital. at 1 in the morning on a weekday to boot! when i need help, he'll offer his unconditionally. i'd like him to stay as my friend. and if he tries to get us past that, it might be difficult. so i got my fingers crossed.
then there's another one. i think i noticed a guy crushing on me. or he's not. sure, he never asked me out. well, maybe once. but he keeps wanting me to come by whenever there is a get together session our mutual acquaintances set up. of course i wont be available much. and i thought my more familiar acquaintances should be more persuasive than he is but i just brushed it off. once. twice. thrice. but it's becoming a habit lately. and it's puzzling. and in the occasions that i do go to the hangout sessions, he will be calling me first to ask "where are you? i'm on my way", as if i'm coming to meet him. as if dreading and half expecting me to not show up. it's odd because although it's a group hangout, i promised the event organizer that i'll be there. he didn't need to call. and even if i bailed, i will call the organizer, not him. then there's this look with a sheepish smile he gave me while someone else is talking to me. whenever i felt this look i always, always, never once failed to meet his eyes, and never once failed to get puzzled by that look. my reaction; act dumb, as if it was normal. unaffected. but it's not! really. nobody else act around me like that. or maybe that's just the way he acts around people in general and i read too much into it. maybe.

green

2011-02-05T01:21:00.001+08:00

i am so green with envy.

T_T

2011-01-18T21:25:00.001+08:00

this time, i messed up big time. i want to disappear.

nausea

2011-01-16T22:52:00.000+08:00

there's a tight knot in my stomach.

i fear for what time brings.

again

2010-12-30T03:17:00.002+08:00

it's stupid, really.

one after another.

아지브.

I'm a sucker for kind eyes like that.
And i think it goes both ways. I think la.

2010-11-25T01:27:00.002+08:00

dah kol 1.30 pagi la bodoh. aku bukan robot. kerja 24 jam!
takde jam ke kat opis tu? tak reti pikir ke kol 1.30 pagi org sepatutnye tido la sengal! yang ko kol tu buat apa?

so long

2010-11-22T20:28:00.003+08:00

you didnt offer me comforting words. so im clueless.

sayur air keladi

2010-11-08T20:53:00.004+08:00

sabtu tengah hari. me mari umah. angkut barang2 dr kolej dgn syam.

bile mung nk balik?
tgk la. malam ni atau esok.
aku nk g tgk movie dgn syam. jom la ikot.
ok.

1.30 am
ummi tepon me. me bagi tepon ke aku.

kaklong, mokwe kritikal doh ni.
doh kaklong balik lalu ah.
me, tepon yie.
syam, aku nk balik ganu.mung? kekgi aku g amik yie kat melaka pastu g amik mung kt cyber.

dari melaka ke cyber hujan lebat. aku bagi yie drive dr seremban. mengantuk

4.00 am.
ak, me ngan yie kat MMU HB1. call syam. dop angkat. call lagi. sama jugak.
yie naik g bilik syam.

4.30 am.
gerak dr Cyber.
jalan semua clear. umi call me.

mokwe sedar doh.

lega sikit hati aku. me dgn syam tido sepanjang perjalanan. yie dop tido sgt tapi die duk belakang. hujan renyai. highway clear. dekat2 nk smpai temerloh, mengantuk sgt. lagi seploh minit nk smpi rnr temeroh, aku terlelap 5-6 kali.

6.00 am
berenti kat rnr temerloh. aku kabo ke adik2 nk tido kejap.

7.00 am
sambung balik. budok2 ni kata lapa tadi. aku niat nk berenti kat gambang makan kejap. dlm seploh minit, tepon me bunyi. banyak kali. tapi me tdo. aku tunggu. pastu ummi call aku.

kaklong, ade mana?
temerloh.
balik kampong terus la.
mokwe takdop doh.

tercengang aku. tadi kata sedar doh?
adik2 semua tido. aku gerok syam.

mokwe tadop dah.

syam tido balik.

aku smbung drive. yie mcm terjaga. aku kabo ke ye pulok.

9.00 am
smpai durian mas. aku berenti kejap. jupe tokki.

aku salam tokki. tanye dia.

tokki tau doh? mokwe tadop doh.

tokki tau doh. mmg on the way nk g. tunggu pak rasul siap.
aku tanye syam.

me tau dop agi?
mokwe tadop doh.

yie tercengang.

tadi kata sedar doh?

yie dop sedar masa aku kabo ke dia. syam aku dop ingat. aku cari me kat dapo.

me mung tau dop agi?
mokwe tadop doh.

me tercengang. merah mata dia. dalam ramai2, dia la plg manja ngn mokwe. mokwe pon sokmo tanye pasal dia.sokmo suruh dia kalau nok wat mende2.

10.30 am
smpai kat umoh mokwe.aku tgk ramai org. aku naik ikot tangga belakang.
napok adik2 masuk bilik toknyang. aku pon ikot. tgk umi ada.
tgk mokwe.

teringat masa raya kedua. mokwe duk tunjuk pokok duku toknyang.

ni pokok toknyang ni mokwe tunjuk. kekgi bile mokwe takdok uning tau mana.

smpi hok dalam rok pon mokwe tunjuk. aku ikot je. dia mcm tau2. aku mana pernah ikut g kebun situ. masa raya arri tu sungguh2 die suruh adik2 panjat pokok duku.berguni2 dapat pon dia suruh pnjat lagi. dop abih lagi katanye.

sudoh org mndi ke mokwe, org panggil anok cucu mokwe. cium die. aku cium pipi mokwe. cium dahi mokwe. tu last aku pegang dia. pastu me gi cum mokwe. me menangis. aku menangis sama. adik2 laki aku, dia sorg je menangis. sedih benor dia. aku sedih tgk dia sedih sangat.

lepas semayang jenazah, dlm pukul 11 lebih, kebumikan mokwe kat kubur. adik2 tolong. anok2 sedare mokwe tolong.

lepas kebumi aku tgk ikot luar tingkap dapur.

banyak keladi kecik2. masa raya ari tu ada 2-3 keladi je.

aku ingat2 bile last aku jupe mokwe. raya kedua. balik dr kutip buah duku. mokwe masok. sungguh aku dop ingat lauk mende dia masok. sungguh.
tapi aku ingat masa aku kat tanoh. aku tanye mokwe.

keladi takdok ke mokwe?
bakpe? mung nk makan ke?
kalau ade laa boleh masok sayur air keladi tu.kalo tadop dakpe ah.
takdok keladi ni.
dakpe la mokwe.

aku ingat keladi tumbuh banyok tu kebetulan je. aku ingat2 balik. masa balik raya ari tu aku teringin nok makan keladi sayur air mokwe. pagi raya ketiga, aku bangun tido, aku berharap sangat mokwe masok nasi goreng. nasik goreng mokwe sedap. hok ummi masok pon aku dop mkn mane. tp kalau mokwe masok nasi goreng, mmg banyok aku mkn.

sehari tu aku teringat2 sayur air keladi tu. dok leh doh aku merasa sayur air keladi mokwe.

mok butok tolong masok kenduri tahlil. sambil2 buat kerja, berbual la sikit2 pasal mokwe.

mok remoh kabo suruh aku tanam keladi iket, daun kesum iket.
syaira teringin nok makan keladi takdok ari tu.

patutla tgk banyok keladi belakang tu. memang dia niat nak bagi aku makan.
aku yang tak merasa air tangan die sayur air keladi.

aku tengok2 kat dapur. ada jeruk binjai. tgh hari tadi, makan tgh hari lauk ikan bakar. labu gulai kuning.
ulam binjai cicah budu.

air tangan mokwe hok last aku merase. jeruk binjai.
mana doh aku nok jumpe buah binjai. kat umoh mokwe ni je aku penoh jupe.

bakar ikan atas dapo kayu. mana doh nok jupe. dr kecik aku tgk mokwe gune dapo kayu tu. dapo gas ada. tapi sokmo jugok dia guna dap kayu tu. aku pikir2, lepas ni berasap lagi ke dapo kayu ni.

aku tgk tikar getah umoh mokwe. atas tikor getah ni la aku ngan adik2 besor. umoh kayu mokwe ni la tempat kami bermain. panjat dinding. intai lubang lantai sbb nok tgk ayam ada telur dop lagi. kalo ade, mokwe gi amik telur tu buat makan.

pastu kalo kami balik umoh mokwe, selagi dok makan, mokwe paksa kami makan. dia suruh jugok suruh jugok. kena la makan jugok.

banyak benda yg aku teringat2. aku redha dia takdok doh. sedih sikit sbb die dok dang tgk me. sedih me dok dang tgk dia. laju doh rasa aku bawak kete tp nk buat mcm mana.

aku dop penoh kabo ke mokwe tapi harap2 dia tau. kaklong sayang mokwe.

kaklong rindu doh ke mokwe ni.
dari tuhan kita datang. pada dia kita pulang.
semoga arwah mokwe dalam golongan orang2 beriman.

24th

2010-10-06T22:25:00.002+08:00

a week later, here's what i did when i turned 24.

got myself miho, kim & kyu.
miho is a little sick and kyu is just too small. kim is delightfully healthy and playful.
i got over my paranoia with cats.

i attended an interview and screwed it up big time. didnt study much. so i was like, im sorry, i forgot already. it's been a year and my knowledge is a little rusty. but they boss seemed nice and there is this one cutie. it'd be fun if i get the post. but, i'm not hoping too much.

i got sick. i still am. sore throat borderline to asthma or so i thought. it wont get better. im a little worried.

went to eat seafood with apam & payeh and a few others and got lost for an hour.

had a terrible day on my birthday. got to work late. had tonnes of work. spent a few hours standing. got off work late. very very late. to be informed of a problem later. awesome.

but i get to stalk a japanese staff who look like izzul --> check my facebook photo

i feel like weeping to sleep tonight.

duh

2010-09-30T22:46:00.001+08:00

i can take directions pretty well, thank you very much.

no need to take me like some thickheaded aunty la dey!

??

2010-09-25T23:53:00.002+08:00

i do not understand it when people name their things like they're some kind of pet.

Contoh plg dekat.

Emie panggil kete dia Nifi.

?????????

Oh never mind me, entry ini takde arah tujuan. Just wanna say it out loud.

2010-09-16T23:47:00.001+08:00

I'm not an open book. But just read me anyway.

I feel miserably awful tonight.

time

2010-09-05T06:04:00.001+08:00

There's just too many things i want to do differently. You for example. If i did not do what i did,we might still be able ro connect. Then there's that. Where i should have not take only one impression as my stand and not moving an inch from it, not daring to venture out. Had i take the road not taken, everything will work differently

Scratch that!

2010-08-23T20:48:00.001+08:00

Remember this? Let's scratch some

List

To buy list:

1) Fridge --> done
2) Dressing table --> done
3) Workstation --> done
4) Sofa
5) Bigger sized bed --> done
6) A TV --> done
7) Curtain --> done but probably need a new one. It's raya again!
8) Rug --> I think i need another one
9) Phone charger --> done
10) Book shelf --> done but need to be put in order. again.
11) Books --> done and will be bought more
12) Vinyl mattress
13) Toilet seat --> done
14) Dinnerware
15) New kettle --> done
16) Kitchen cabinet --> no need kot
17) Bath towel --> done
18) A bigger bed --> eh? bukan dah ada ke kat atas?
19) LAN cable --> done
20) An oven --> done
21)A house XD

4/21 pending? It's nice having a list.

sore

2010-08-23T20:46:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling a little sore. cant u be a bit nicer?

my masa lapang

2010-08-08T03:00:00.002+08:00

Probably wont be mine. But unlike usual, i felt a tinge of competitivenes. Which left me questioning, is it time to pull out like i always did or see through this until i get to hear yes or when the no is definite? Oh, i decided within seconds i want to stay until the end. There is just too many lost chances. Im not letting this one go this easily.

same

2010-08-01T02:00:00.001+08:00

he smells like the-ex.

*stunned*
you should have asked.
hmm.

so

2010-07-25T18:35:00.001+08:00

so im not your number one. okay.

just dont make me feel bad about it.

other things aside,

i came to ask myself, did i speak in monkey language that it's so hard to understand simple instructions?

You

2010-05-28T00:06:00.001+08:00

i cannot forget how you did not look at me back then.

and now that you're closer, we're bound to meet each other soon.

It's been a long time yet i'm afraid to see you not looking at me again.

my masa lapang

2010-05-12T22:30:00.001+08:00

Ran into him when we were both heading out to work three days ago We were both late and i was in my car,circling the block when he was exiting our block. He looked like a kid, seriously. It was an adorable sight. We both noticed each other but i was heading out of a junction so i had to pay more attention on the road, and less on him. Last two days, i've been staying at his office for avfew hours. Saw himyesterday but i didnt have a chance to say hello. But today, he asked me abiut something which confirmed that he did saw me. He was trying to start an idle conversation. Man, was i dumb? I was tongue tied. Jual mahal konon. Cis. Kan da menyesal haha. Da la jarang terserempak and im super busy anyway.

2010-05-12T19:53:00.001+08:00

time to move on

2010-04-25T21:06:00.002+08:00

i might have the i-dont-care look, but the truth is,i cringed on the inside fighting the involuntary tears while keeping my cool. my voice did waver a little and i think half the room noticed because later, one guy tell me he pitied me. how little must i looked then?how many others thought the same thing?

2010-04-25T20:46:00.001+08:00

i lost my confidence and i need it back. fast.

2010-04-24T23:18:00.000+08:00

dead upset and i wish i can just whine.

but to whom?

masa lapangs

2010-04-20T21:52:00.000+08:00

i've got myself two new masa lapangs. one of which i'm very keen on. Hee

give and take!

2010-04-20T21:51:00.000+08:00

I was trying to make it work.

But it takes two to tango.

Meanie

2010-04-15T04:47:00.000+08:00

im too optimistic for my own good. I know. i always thought people wont be mean if im not mean. but today i had an encounter with a bastard.

i got angry today. royally pissed off that my whole body was shaking and was on the verge of involuntary tears. i shouldve said more to his big, fat arrogant face but i'd rather not be seen tearing.

terasa? not a pinch. i dun have a reason to.

bodoh. i was talking to the other person but he, being so insecure and all, thinking i actually have issues with what he's responsible with had interrupted me. i was like, what the hell, man? dude, im not speaking to you, hello. drag your big fat ass elsewhere. he went on and on with a disrespectful tone that made us felt treated like a bunch of retards. uh, hello? WE WEREN'T SPEAKING TO YOU. fuck off.
I was incredulous and could not fathom as to why he began the tantrum.

so i lost my temper.

i said, "whatever that concerns you doesnt concern me at all. we cant do anything since you declared you can do nothing. WE FREAKING UNDERSTAND THAT. Like a million years ago. Unlike you, we're not deaf. So syyuh, go do whatever it is ur doing and let me do my own job" in a more colourful way.

i couldve said more but i wasnt about to let him see me tearing up so i left. i hate the fact that i always tears up when i get angry. a trait im determined to change which i doubt i can.

then, in the afternoon , there was an issue i have to deal with and guess what? the pig was there too and like clockwork, burst into nonsensical exclamations like a schoolgirl wetting her pants. again.

" pandai2 je design jig tak consult ngan kitorang"

what? you're the royalty now? and FYI, i AM dealing with it along with the jig R&D ppl who designed it at the first place. besides, since when do u care what jig we design? there are plenty, wanna look around? feeling challenged, are you? since you're not the only smart ass around? bloody idiot.

there are many colorful retorts i thought of in a mere three minutes.

1) uh, this thing is here since i havent even started working. are you blind or just plain old already to remember things?
2) i work for my boss, and my boss demanded this. Why would i ask for your consent? unlike what u think, you're not some royalty.
3) we did ask your subordinate to help out. you're just plain ignorant to know or he just thought you weren't important enough to be notified. Some royalty, eh?
4) we designed this coz u design ppl are just too incompetent to design one. and for the record, we did use the right channel. helloooooo. there's a different between engineering and jig R&D, dont u think? even the spelling is different. Duh.
5) kami xpandai2 design bende tu. kami memang pandai. and respectful. and understanding. and a lot more that you aren't.

i figured he was a waste of breath so i ignored him. Not looking at him, asking to the people right beside him, responding to none of his retort, even laughing a little to comfort one of the guys that thought it was his fault. He should've felt invisible. And right under his nose, i called the people i worked with to get the jig whom is very much respectable, and asked him to modify it. Yes, we did made mistake. Unlike engineering, we did not have any samples. And also unlike them, we figured something to start with is better than nothing. That something will be perfected soon.

and man, what a sight! I saw him shrinking to humility, maybe, if im lucky, or at least his balls ripped in half, when i talked to the guy. He should've offer me an apology so i dont have to call him names. he didnt.

bila?

2010-03-30T01:52:00.002+08:00

bila nk squash ni?

.... aaaa next wiken la . *sengih kamben*

..................

emie: sapa tu? *one curious cat*

*sengih lagi*

............................................... mcm mn nk squash next week kalau .......

then i woke up.

*sengih smpai tinge*

더블유 티 엠 오공일

2010-03-16T12:44:00.001+08:00

왔어

unbelievable

2010-03-15T22:49:00.001+08:00

you were asking for a favor and you look down on me?

ungrateful sob.

My masa lapang ^^

2010-03-10T23:08:00.001+08:00

He dropped by my desk and said hi today.

^.^

It's been a while seen i last saw him.

2010-03-02T23:51:00.002+08:00

Esok.

i Am Sweet

2010-03-01T00:53:00.002+08:00

Fortunately most do not know that i'm also bitter.

I hate being reminded of that so i ran, and still running.

It has already passed the time when i should stop and look over my shoulder.

Try catching me if you must, but I wont stop running.

List

2010-02-28T08:32:00.002+08:00

To buy list:

1) Fridge
2) Dressing table
3) Workstation
4) Sofa
5) Bigger sized bed
6) A TV
7) Curtain
8) Rug
9) Phone charger
10) Book shelf
11) Books
12) Vinyl mattress
13) Toilet seat
14) Dinnerware
15) New kettle
16) Kitchen cabinet
17) Bath towel
18) A bigger bed
19) LAN cable
20) An oven
21)A house XD

Somebody pls buy all this and much more for me!

it's official

2010-02-25T00:02:00.003+08:00

I got my confirmation letter today. Well, not technically, since my boss is on leave and the letter is still sitting around on his desk waiting for him to personally give it to me. But, that's besides the point of this post.

I had a great opportunity today. Unexpected, slightly unpleasant, but exciting.

Unexpected because, i was not expecting this at all.
Slightly unpleasant, because in my opinion, it was politically wrong for me to do this.
Exciting, because i was proving something to myself & to some others.

I was asked to present a case to the #1 person of the company, the president, who is greatly feared by most. I, the lowly junior engineer prepared the material, presented it to a few managers, then expecting it to be presented to the president by the rightful dept manager, i repeat, manager, just to be forced to present it to Mr M myself.

Roughly summarized, they dared to send a junior employee to attend to a serious matter with an important person. If I'm the president, i'd be offended.It was unheard of that a junior staff directly reports to him.

I had no problem about presenting the material, i was actually a bit excited not too mention panicky but this is politically wrong!

I mean, right me if i'm wrong. But a subordinate will report to her superior. Then her superior will report to the next superior on the organizational ladder. And so the food chain goes, in a sense.

The same goes to this situation.
We are being held responsible by A. So we report to A. But A is being held responsible by B. So A will report to B.And the same goes on and on.

What they made me do today was skipping the ladder altogether, we took an elevator instead. Which confused me a little for their lack of principle. In my opinion, they are being irresponsible.Managers are paid much more because we, their subordinates are their liability. I am responsible for my part. They are responsible for me, in a manner of speaking.

But that's their problem.

I was panicking when i was told to present an hour before the meeting. Within moments, it got me thinking, this is a great opportunity. And i wanted to do it, though i thought it was wrong. so i hesitated, and consulted my other bosses. One of them agreed that we should not be the one to report to Mr M, but he was held up in a meeting and could not get me out of the mess. I was partially hoping for that.

It felt like usual meeting and i did better than i do in daily morning meeting. I think i nailed it. Pardon me for bragging, but this is my blog slash diary. So heee ^^

This is a good confidence boost for me. I am getting frustrated with work these days.
Yes, I am grateful, but the system failed, which baffled me all day.

** Do not mock me. I have had enough. This is my diary so read it if you must but be nice. I will not have what i felt being mocked. Not when i dont whine to you.

안 보이 면, 안돼

2010-02-22T00:10:00.001+08:00

너를 알아가고 사랑하고
시작하기엔 나 너무 아득해도
시작하기엔 나 자꾸 겁이 나도
자꾸만 너에게 맘이 열려

You are beautiful

2010-02-19T23:56:00.002+08:00

Episode 16 at 00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:18,080

Jeremy said to Taekyung,

Waiting for her and not telling her is the same thing as not waiitng, you self-centered butthole!

Never failed to make me laugh my butt off everytime i watch this part. Hongki is awesome.

On a side note, I said out loud that I like the kid that looks like Shin Woo. Uh-uh. Feeling like a craddle snatcher already. Heh.,

2010-02-17T22:48:00.000+08:00

미안....

it's been

2010-02-15T02:45:00.001+08:00

seven freaking years, and counting.

Man, i need a new mojo!

Kang Shin Woo

2010-02-15T02:31:00.002+08:00

Okay this is totally random, but i've been watching this lately. And i have a celebrity crush on Kang Shin Woo.

Then a week later, i realized a trainee at my workplace, who is also from UTP looks exactly like him, only shorter. So im totally stalking that kid now. Haha.

On a side note, today i went to Sg Gabai with Apam, Payeh & Poji. It was a long drive, traffic jam included but i have an awesome fun with Poji's optimism.

Unfortunately it was super packed and super tiring. I wasnt prepared to climb a hell lot of stairs. I was reminded in a cruel way that my stamina is way beyond acceptable level. _-_

Then, we get to our spot, just to see there is only one small pool of water with only one foot depth left for us to play in. Elsewhere, it's like a pack of tuna. Not an hour later we left and i didnt even dip my feet in. it was too much trouble to change. Not worth it.

But all isnt totally lost. The road trip was fun. I enjoyed the company tremendously.

찾았다!

2010-02-01T00:32:00.002+08:00

Therefore, i need to replace the first to do list to another:

To recall that email. Translation: I got to get to work earlier than HR people.

I like you

2010-01-31T23:19:00.002+08:00

unlike the other girl, i like you on sight.

although the question "why you" hit me repeatedly, i think i don't care what the answer is.

make him happy. Im looking forward to get to know you.

Because

2010-01-30T23:40:00.003+08:00

What bothers me now is that i felt indifferent.

To do list

2010-01-30T20:02:00.002+08:00

Pronto!

1) Find that important document or else. Last seen about two months ago.Shit!
2) Buy a mug
3) See a dentist
4) Clean the house.
5) Format the PC
6) Forget.

On a totally random note, beat it! WG's Nobody is so last two years.
Tapi...layan jela....

uh. that was a scary thunder T_T

o?

2010-01-28T21:06:00.001+08:00

why the sudden change of attitude?

you got me puzzled.

it's..
strange.

^^

2010-01-25T20:02:00.000+08:00

더블유 티 엠 오공일

Perfect timing

2010-01-24T22:21:00.002+08:00

Oooooo...

Masa aku cuti la ko nk corrupt ye wahai daily report?

Kesian org2 yg kena struggle prepare material for 3 days operation in less than 2 hours esok.

Sorry kakak2 abang2 adik2. Time saya cuti jadik emergency camni. Takleh tolong la.

Good luck.

unbelievable

2010-01-23T01:29:00.001+08:00

this marks a new low. Im tongue tied.

There is one attribute i need to get rid of,

lost cause

2010-01-20T23:05:00.002+08:00

i had a bad day and i just want to whine.

You wouldnt just lend me your ears.

So i shut up.

unload

2010-01-15T21:18:00.003+08:00

i thought i can unload it that way.

turns out i had to swallow it all back.

now i know.

there's only one vault that can contain it.

here.

are you okay?

2010-01-10T06:03:00.002+08:00

really, are you okay?
I need to check on you. Coz i had an awful dream and woke up feeling dreadful.
Dear god, pls keep them safe.

dependent

2010-01-09T23:20:00.002+08:00

today i am reminded again why i hate being dependent.

it felt so frustrating and helpless. yes, helpless to the brink of tears.

an incident happened at work today. i needed help. no let me amend that. i am supposed to get help when n fact, i can do the task on my own but by the book, im not supposed to. so i waited. and waited. and waited. like a beggar. they said beggars cant be choosers. how very true. i had no choice.

and like a lowly beggar, i asked, and they said yes the day before to attend to it in the morning. I asked again this morning, and we agreed to delay it to sometime in the afternoon, just to tell me again to go find someone else. i know it's more of a favor, but what's with the broken promises?

more than anything, I despise broken promises. Even the ones i made.

So i figured, i have to handle this on my own. And i did try to the best that my knowledge allow me to. Though i was slow and struggling a bit, at least i was progressing. A kind soul saw me working on what i am not supposed to handle with my limited skills and knowledge and helped me though i was rude to him when he offered to help. i am sorry. i truly am. i was upset i couldnt talk. Im afraid i'll be reduced to tears if i talk to anyone at that moment.

i had to be dependent today, and i resent it.

heh

2010-01-06T01:26:00.002+08:00

oh gee. some people like to stick his nose where it doesnt belong, no?

and for the record, i show total disrespect to those who absolutely deserve it. And he was being a total jerk and i dont get angry to the pint of saying bad names that easily. I told my friends, i have a sweet temper. But that has a limit too, in case you think otherwise.

biadap? what a word! tell that to a friend we both know whom im very fond of and doesnt care if she curses like a sailor. See what happen. Dont tell me it's ok for her to do that coz she always do that and it wasnt ok for me coz i've been a very good girl so occasional expression of anger to someone who totally acted like a pig is unacceptable.

Why the double standard?

I dont even know your face. You remind me of a faceless stranger who also stuck his nose where it didnt belong some years ago.

* did anyone remember why i argued with abah's roomate back in utp? i think it's about something he said to syahed and some other girl and they ended up crying. enlighten me cause that feeling is the same as this one and it's been years i fet the same way.

Oh, i hope you read this.

cozy

2010-01-03T21:18:00.005+08:00

Tell me.

How do i turn a bedroom as dull as this,

into one as cozy as this?
(dont mind the royal mess that is my bed which have to be blurred to protect the innocence of some kids i know XD)

*scratches head*

landlord, can i pls paint the bedroom wall red, or at least green? pretty pretty please?
* batting close-to-non-existing eyelashes*

2NE-TEN

2010-01-02T17:15:00.003+08:00

for the last 23 years, never once i had a new year resolution. I know well enough that i wont stick to it long enough to last a year.

So i compromise.

I set a short term target instead.

phase 3

2010-01-02T17:03:00.002+08:00

it's just another phase i need to get over with.

But what if it isn't?

Xoxo

Away recharging for monday
* mari bongkang

Flolesian emergency.

2009-12-30T23:42:00.010+08:00

Okay. First, I see this.

So, I posted this.

I panicked. Okay, i exaggerated a bit.

I meant the flolesian blog. Half expecting at least one lost lamb would assume i asked them to visit here so i posted this.

A minute later.
Guess who got lost?

The emergency? Fixed. From brussels. Very fast response. Haha. I get a good laugh over this.

I can read you like an open book!

Happy new year Ben. Apam. Otai. Izzul. Emie. Cimah.

sorry

2009-12-30T23:25:00.004+08:00

sorry is too big of a word.

i hate it when friends thank me or apologize to me for the smallest of things.

because i will feel guilty when they felt like they have to apologize.
because i will feel distant when they have to thank me.

friends dont say thanks and sorry.

they just know you're thankful and apologetic.
they just know you're welcomed and forgiven.

it's not like i'm too proud to say sorry and thanks, but i felt a tiny pang of emotion when i say thanks and sorry. it felt like we're some strangers.

ANd i honestly dont want that.

i am

2009-12-30T23:23:00.001+08:00

a pacifier. peacemaker.

but my temper can be explosive at times.

So do not mock me.

to: flolesian

2009-12-30T23:17:00.002+08:00

oi bukan kat sini la.

flolesian punye blog.

(in case ada flolesian visits here after that very public announcement)

^_^Y

when

2009-12-29T01:58:00.003+08:00

When it isnt meant to be then it isnt meant to be no matter how hard we wished it would work out, someway.

there is this girl i know, and i'm very fond of her to say the least, she knows deep down he's the perfect match. but she already found hers. and she's not willing to forfeit what she already has to try for the other.

is it a waste of chance. or is she being realistic?

i'd say both. what if i were to walk in her shoes?

for now, i would say i would give the other road not taken a shot. because there are countless time i've wondered about what might have been.

saying that now is easy. because i am yet to walk in her shoes. i might not do what i intend to do now. i wish that in the time that is yet to come, whichever path i take is the best that i can bet my life at.

and then there is this guy i know, he's the last person i would expect to be absolutely smitten with one lady, let alone for years at that. he knows what he's in for, and yet he's willing to take the chance.

and be blown into bits.

i saw him walk away, shoulders drooping, defeated by a fate he cannot deny. i hope he mends his heart, and mends it well, because a determination that rare is a pity, a terrible loss if it were not to be aimed at someone who would welcome the attention with open arms.

to both, i hope you would not regret your choices. live well, dear friends.

reality check

2009-12-28T01:00:00.002+08:00

candy wrapped thoughts arent going to make it any different. what is there or rather, what isnt, between us does not matter much. id rather see the torn bridges patched up nicely again. then, and only then i'll see what i can do. although right now, none is going to change.

you. do not blame me for all that happened. every story has two sides of it. have you not seen enough? or you simply want to hold on to that imaginary wings? dont go judging me when you know me well enough i dont do anything without reason.

Mess

2009-12-20T14:56:00.003+08:00

I made a mess in the kitchen. A supposedly heat resistant coffee jug broke on top of the stove with pudding inside. Unfortunately, the pudding is still liquid. Now the whole kitchen smells like mango pudding. And it's a terrible mess to clean.

Plus, I've cleaned the entire house yesterday!

broken

2009-12-10T00:11:00.000+08:00

even broken ones are better than mine.

old flame dies hard

2009-11-16T07:03:00.001+08:00

oh you, you,
i missed you again after all these time.

There. I admit defeat.
Now stop showing up acting all charming.
You.

8th Sept 2006

A few days back i was reminded of you and the things and mistakes we have done..I never blamed you for all the things you’ve done but i’ll always regret the mistakes i made.But you,was definitely NOT a mistake.I learnt a lot because you share a lot.And i’ve always cherish you for that.But one unanswered question keeps bugging me..Did i hurt you that bad, that you turned your cold back on me everytime i tried to tell you i’m terribly sorry.I truly am,really.Too bad the friendship we used to share ended like that..We go separate ways but i hope someday, we’ll cross each other’s path again.and hopefully by that time,we can meet eye to eye again.Because i miss the old you…and the old me…and the old us..

6th Feb 2007
you,
that lost half of me,
i think i missed you.

P/s: Logen paksa suh update. Haha. You must be dead curious now Logen?

eh?

2009-11-09T10:04:00.005+08:00

That was an odd dream.

Actually i had the dream yesterday but suddenly thought of it today. (because i cuti today yippie~)

I was on a trip to i-dunno-where on a i-dunno-what.

i, knowingly, for what unknown reason, lean on the shoulder of some guy at work. And for the record, i DO NOT have any interest on him whatsoever. We barely spoke to each other.

That's why it was odd.

I remember waking up and was like, wth?? Why him? O.D.D

Btw, i miss this part of my bedroom at home. I should've bring all of that here.

which one?

2009-11-04T23:34:00.001+08:00

What was it?

That or them?

Unfortunately i'm convinced it was them. What a shame.

Birthday post, 1 month due

2009-11-03T22:53:00.004+08:00

Probably nobody noticed, but i made it a point to write an entry in my diary or blog on my birthday. I didnt care to write one this year. But it bugged me ever since i decided it wont matter. Actually, it does. I guess i need myself to remind what have i done for the past year and what i want to do the next year. I havent figure it out yet. And i need to admit to myself what do i think about everything, at least on my birthday. I didnt care if nobody remembers, as long as I do. Since it was the one day in a year i could just breathe. Im a year older, but am i wiser? But as far as I know, it could've been worse. So I just breathe. And live.

알아면

2009-11-03T22:08:00.003+08:00

네가 알아면, 좋다..아니면, 난 어떻게하지?

It would be nicer if you could. But if you don't, what can I do? No, what would I normally do?

xOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxO

Don't call me that. I'll act like one just to spite you.

retarded idiot

2009-11-02T00:27:00.002+08:00

Of course i didnt gave way. You aint signalling nothing.

How dare you freaking honked at me. Asshole.

~~~ @1.10 am. Green.

됐거든

2009-08-30T01:50:00.002+08:00

Awful awful awful

2009-08-29T01:50:00.002+08:00

It's an awful feeling i wanted to erase that part of memory. Or redo it again.

됐거든.미안한다지마.그냥 가.난 괜잖아. 도 너, 꺼저 줄래?

Convo:mediocre

2009-08-18T23:54:00.004+08:00

My convocation weekend had been a hell of rollercoaster ride;

I was delighted to see flolesians. Felt a little guilty for not spending enough time with my housemates. Unwell because of the flu and sore throat. Fuming when i'm accused of behaving in a certain way when i was really just being myself. Annoyed to no end with Otai's constant nagging to tidy up the room. Disgusted. Yet, touched with a friend's thoughtfulness. Thwarted because I expected some other RCSU members too aside from the ones that were there. Tensed bacause I was running late then relaxed because the event was delayed anyway. Surprised that Tun earned my respect the first time I saw and heard him during convo dinner. (Yes, I never went to his talks all these time so this is really my first and only time i get to see the living legend and managed to shake his hand) Disappointed when they announce "The procession of Pro Chancellor" mana aci! Relieved that I finally finished the degree but can't help wondering what happens if i took the other road not taken. I had wanted to be selfish for once, and failed miserably. Oh, and not to forget, my feet was killing me.

It should have been a happy weekend in whole but not quite. It could have been better.

Here's one for my roomate of five years. We've stuck together since the first day we stepped in UTP and I'm glad we did.

Updates

2009-07-11T21:38:00.004+08:00

I heard from Me, who heard from his friends who heard from their moms that I have 2 brothers who go to school abroad, one in London and one in Australia.

What? Mantin is called Australia now is it?

Second, apparently one of them died. And people saw my mother at the cemetery.

Now i wonder who it is that hangs around the house all the time and got malas to go find some food and asked us to go buy stuffs instead for the past few days? Wait, that's our ummi. Umm, who did they saw again? And i'm pretty damn sure both of them returned safe and sound yesterday albeit being carried in not just one, but two ambulances. Both my baby brothers lookhealthy, alive and kicking to me.

Rumours sure fly wild.

aWesoMe, iS it nOt? LiFe is.

Bad habit

So be it

Resolution.

2012

Muse

datang dan temui aku

Now

mr-almost-right

Tokki Pok Hitam

The third call

Traffic, 10 days later.

Call me call me call me!

phone calls

Speak

Beast

Now or never

Stranger

Traffic

Why?

now

Should I?

This is the inevitable goodbye.

;)

bridges

*fingers crossed*

rants

green

T_T

nausea

again

so long

sayur air keladi

24th

duh

??

time

Scratch that!

Remember this? Let's scratch some

sore

my masa lapang

same

so

You

my masa lapang

masa lapangs

give and take!

Meanie

bila?

더블유 티 엠 오공일

unbelievable

My masa lapang ^^

i Am Sweet

List

it's official

안 보이 면, 안돼

You are beautiful

it's been

Kang Shin Woo

찾았다!

I like you

Because

To do list

o?

^^

Perfect timing

unbelievable

lost cause

unload

are you okay?

dependent

heh

cozy

2NE-TEN

phase 3

Flolesian emergency.

sorry

i am

to: flolesian

when

fingers crossed