kau

asyik ingat kat kau je. be gone, boleh tak?

We were speeding so we get a ticket

Finally we talked about what went wrong. I am more than happy to fix it but he was not as eager. We said sorry to each other and as cool as water, we hung up on each other. At last, he puts me out of my 5 months misery. It's okay Izzat, I'll find someone like you who appreciate me better than you did. No, it's not okay but i'll be fine. You havent break me into pieces yet.

And the traffic up north, though as clear as it might be, apparently isnt my route.

My bad habit is my muse

There. I got rid of my bad habit. Kind of. Once in a while my thought snapped back and i had wanted to be the most stupid creature there is, then i snapped back to real life, where it isnt as bright. Yes, I miss you, terribly, but i cant dance the tango alone.

Bad habit

What do you do with bad habits you cant seem to get rid of? I have one and it's killing me coz i know it's so damn wrong, it will suffocate and hurt me in one way or another yet i still come back running when the call comes. I feel like an idiot, everytime. I need to fix it.

So be it

I feel misguided and suffocated, I feel like screaming. So be it, if this is where we stand.

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Resolution.

No, more like a short term target. What I want in the near future.

Career:
New job starting tomorrow. I'm not as nervous as before but I have an extremely good feeling for this. A sense of relief, I don't know why. Not that I hate my last workplace. I actually enjoyed the nature of the job. But, I know I was looking for more.

Friendship:
I am now on a shaky boat. My best friend lives halfway around the world. I don't easily connect with people. And when I do connect to this girl at work, I quit the job already. The friends I have now, well they are there. But I can't seem to talk to them. I mean, really talk. Troubles, hardships, worries, happiness. I wish to find one I can easily talk things that trouble me most the soonest.

Relationship:
There is one that I am trying but the other end of the phone is not responding likewise. Maybe I should just stop and keep my options open.

Family:
For the first time of my entire adult life, I yelled back at my mother, which I'm not proud of but I said sorry to her because I mean it right afterwards. I really am sorry, and I was shocked too myself. I know I am this hard shelled stubborn daughter who never cries in front of you except during two funerals of my grandparents.  I just want you to know that I am also a responsible daughter who says sorry when she's in the wrong. I am proud of myself when I realized that, and I hope you are too. I am reconnecting back with my baby sister, spending more time doing girl's things like others sisters do. As of my brothers, I should try as much too.

Self:
Like last year, I want to shed some of that extra pounds.

Health:
I don't feel as well as I did before. I should take care more. Take up some insurance plan or something. Exercise more than I do now.

2012

I start my new year feeling bitter.

Oh, i wish it gets better tomorrow morning.

Muse

Oh well. Did i say we both quit trying? But then again, flames are easier to lit if the sparks are there.

This might be a wee bit early, but i think i found my muse :)

I just cant decide what am i gonna do with him yet. There's too many questions. Doubts. Distrust. Mutual understandings. Hmm.

He reads me like an open book. Sometimes. I wish we talk about each other more so that i can finally make up my mind, pronto.

He's a muse i want to keep.

datang dan temui aku

takutnya aku pada apa yang tak pasti.
datang dan pergi dia.
suaranya bergema di telinga.
ingin aku mendengar itu.
bisikan-bisikan itu.
apa silapnya kata kita?

aku ingin pergi pada masa lalu.
padamkan silap itu.
semoga esok kau ingat aku.
seperti aku ingat dirimu.
dan terbuailah kita,
di balik usikan dan rasa.

Now

* Live from Genting.

It's been a few years already. It's time to scratch the wishlist. It's not always sunny and bright in my kingdom.

I need a time off from all these madness.

Izzat is driving me insane. My mother decided it's not ok for me to go back home today. Work is difficult on me. I just feel restless.

and I desperately need a break.

mr-almost-right

Oh yes, almost.


Everything is exactly how i wanted him to be but we had a huge misunderstanding neither of us can fix.

So, it's goodbye, already. I quit trying. And it seems like he quits too. Oh, well.
He's another one that got away, but sweetest of them all.

Tokki Pok Hitam

I lost my only Tokki yesterday. He succumbed to his health condition at 8.55 am yesterday morning.

My Tokki drove himself to Hospital Kemaman, from Seri Bandi which is about 30-40 mins away, alone, parked his car right in front of the emergency area, locked his car properly and admitted himself to Emergency Unit. That's my Tokki that I know :)

He was warded on Wednesday morning. Both his wives came to the hospital immediately. I suppose the medical staffs got a little bit of shock XD

Both my step-grandmothers told us that during the checkup when some 10 doctors including trainee doctors gathering around Tokki's bed , there were announcements to remove a car. And that's my Tokki's.

We all gathered in Kemaman within the day. I made a record time of 2.5 hrs KL-Kemaman, which usually will take 4 hours. I feared that I won't be able to make it in time.

It seems like Tokki had waited for us all to arrive to see him. Even Pak Long Mat from Penang managed to see him when he arrived the next morning. He seems to stabilize by then. I did massaged his legs a bit but I regret that I didn't say a word to him. You know I'm there, right?

While we worried on who will take turns to keep an eye on him after the holidays, HE had a better plan. Tokki left us on Friday morning. I had the opportunity to mandikan Tokki. And seeing his face, I wanted to smile as well. I remember his beard tickling my cheeks when I kissed him goodbye.

We bid farewell to Tokki by talking and reminiscing his antics. Oh, every story is hilarious. You will always be remembered, Tokki :)

The third call

The third call came the day before yesterday and i was ecstatic. Good news came. Bad news followed suit.

Traffic, 10 days later.

9.11 am
I blinked when I see it which didnt register on me for a few seconds.

Then I grinned. My boss was right beside me. In fact, she was trying to engage me in a bossy order which I put off mindlessly.


* Come and pick up your IC
Flustered, come and send it here.
--> I'm not a dispatcher (-_-)T

* Would you come? I wanna treat you
Flustered, whaaat I need to treat you?
--> I said I want to do that (-_-)T

:D

Call me call me call me!

Did I tell you I had been waiting for three particular calls?

One of them called on Monday.
I paid a visit on the next day and I felt relieved :)


The other one called today and put a big silly smile on my face the whole day.
I'm planning to return the call in half an hour :D

I am now waiting for the third, the most important of all three. Hopefully i will get the call next week.

Patience is a virtue after all.

*keeping my fingers crossed*

phone calls

I have been hanging around my phone since the last few weeks for calls that have not came.

3 calls, in fact.

Would someone just call me already?

Speak

It speaks volume.


Now I rest my case.

Beast

Who are you to call others a beast when you're just one yourself, only worse?

Who are you trying to kid?

Pegi mamposlah!

Now or never

There. I gave it my last try and that's it. Whether it will work or not is beyond me but like I already said, it's done.

Now it's a waiting game. It took a great amount of courage from me which is necessary because now I know I already did everything I could have done within my means.


And if it wasn't meant to be, then it isn't and I am now prepared to take that too because living everyday,  wondering of what could have been is even worse to take.

Stranger

There wasn't much of instances where i made a complete fool of myself.

But these past few days, I wasn't being myself at the sight of a stranger.

The signs?

I knew it was him before he materialized. How am I supposed to take that?

He noticed how I was restraining myself from staring. How am I supposed to take that?

I knew he was staring without me looking straight back. How am I supposed to take that?

And a thousand other things I dare not say here. How am I supposed to take that?

The last time I behaved this way was 8 years ago, and I remember vividly what came next.


I don't flirt, yet I was doing exactly that. I'm not my bubbly self with strangers, yet I was doing exactly that. I don't call friends for advice, yet I was doing exactly that. I do not give my numbers to strangers, yet I was doing exactly that.

And when he did call, I went tongue tied and all I did was giggling. GIGGLING! It was utter nonsense. At the moment, I am still deciding whether or not to call him and abandon all my self containment and just talk.

Who are you, stranger and what are you doing to me?

Traffic

5/Oct
Esok.

6/Oct
0930 hrs
High beam :)

1600 hrs
Takutlah salah kasi signal.

1700 hrs
Dah bagi signal kanan. Tinggal nk drive masuk simpang kanan je.

2030 hrs
Lamalah lampu merah.

2200 hrs
Ah langgar je lah.

7/Oct
1030 hrs
Ada harapan xkena saman?

1300 hrs
..................


1600 hrs
Dia: tak tgk org melintas pon?
Aku: nmpak, tapi tak tgk.

1700 hrs
keluar parking, tp bayar toll & collect receipt dulu. nanti boleh claim :D

2300 hrs
nk kena hon ke?

Conclusion:
Undecided yet. Anxious to know.

Why?

I could not fathom this.

Indescribable loss of mutual understanding.

And the absence of importance.

now

in less than 24 hrs, i will hit the quarter century old mark. I feel like an old fox already. So let's see of what i thought of on my almost birthday.

1) I said goodbye to my once-upon-a-time for the last time with much more resolution, as from now on i understand that he is finally out of my reach and i should stop dwelling on what could have been. Our story does not have a happy ending like we dreamed then. There were regrets lingering after the breakup which i can barely recall. I suppose his story wasn't mine.

2) I'm not really sure if it's hormonal or it might just be raw emotion. I wept listening to this song in the car.

Why?

The lyrics. Particularly this line.

"Karna bagiku kau kehormatanku"

And this.

"Semua keinginan akan aku lakukan,

Sekuat termampuku sayang"

Oh i pray hard that i'll have one who mean this about me one day. One day.

******I would finish this birthday post, but my consciousness is fading in and out so i'll continue in a few days.

***********************
3) Reminder to self, it went and goes so do not stop and dwell.

4) If you ask me what I wished for my birthday, there are two that I want. In 2 weeks I hope I can get one of them.

5) I witnessed firsthand last night, of what I do not want to become, and what I need to fix. I am bent on the fixing because it pained me so. To fix that, I need to become dependent, of which I normally resent, but not to this.

Should I?

I should have been more vain.
I should have been more shameless.
I should have shed more of that pride.
I should have smiled more.
I should have been more flirtatious and cheekier.
I should have been more approachable.
I should pay more attention to people around me.

But then would have been LESS me.

Then I would be less interesting, oui?

This is the inevitable goodbye.

It's goodbye, for real, hard and cold, in a few months or so. I did not expect it to happen this soon. Not with what happened. Not with the silly, simple responses to the smallest move i made.

I feel like an idiot for letting the thread loose all these years. I was misled. I misunderstood.

So, I guess this is it. And it felt surreal.

Goodbye to you, my once-upon-a-time :(

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;)

I have something to look forward to in the next two months.

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bridges

i see bridges burnt and went up in flames while i can do nothing to put it out.

it's just not my place to say anything. sorry.

i hope the three of you would reconcile sooner or later.

*fingers crossed*

i have something to look forward to this week.

it'll be three long weekdays for me.

rants

this is a little awkward but i have been fidgeting around this one (ok, make it two!) for a long time and i need to get it off my head. for now.

closest friends think i'm clueless when it comes to reading between the lines. heck, even i think i'm clueless too. but sometimes, i'm not.

so here's the thing. there's a guy who hypothetically asked me what would my respond be if he asks me out? his body language; a straight up confession, to my dreaded horror. i said no, straight up. our little banter might sounded like a joke, but i truly wish he gets the message. at that time, i've been close to him for a few weeks and i found him sweet & caring but his constant chatter is driving me nuts. i do not see any future with a chatterbox like that, so i shut him off. but as a friend, he's nice. we joke a lot. and when i got annoyed of all nonsensical stuffs sprouting from his mouth i would just tell him to shut up. when he's not feeling well, i'll wish him well. when i'm sick he made me go to the hospital. at 1 in the morning on a weekday to boot! when i need help, he'll offer his unconditionally. i'd like him to stay as my friend. and if he tries to get us past that, it might be difficult. so i got my fingers crossed.
then there's another one. i think i noticed a guy crushing on me. or he's not. sure, he never asked me out. well, maybe once. but he keeps wanting me to come by whenever there is a get together session our mutual acquaintances set up. of course i wont be available much. and i thought my more familiar acquaintances should be more persuasive than he is but i just brushed it off. once. twice. thrice. but it's becoming a habit lately. and it's puzzling. and in the occasions that i do go to the hangout sessions, he will be calling me first to ask "where are you? i'm on my way", as if i'm coming to meet him. as if dreading and half expecting me to not show up. it's odd because although it's a group hangout, i promised the event organizer that i'll be there. he didn't need to call. and even if i bailed, i will call the organizer, not him. then there's this look with a sheepish smile he gave me while someone else is talking to me. whenever i felt this look i always, always, never once failed to meet his eyes, and never once failed to get puzzled by that look. my reaction; act dumb, as if it was normal. unaffected. but it's not! really. nobody else act around me like that. or maybe that's just the way he acts around people in general and i read too much into it. maybe.

green

i am so green with envy.

T_T

this time, i messed up big time. i want to disappear.

nausea

there's a tight knot in my stomach.

i fear for what time brings.

again

it's stupid, really.

one after another.

아지브.

I'm a sucker for kind eyes like that.
And i think it goes both ways. I think la.

dah kol 1.30 pagi la bodoh. aku bukan robot. kerja 24 jam!
takde jam ke kat opis tu? tak reti pikir ke kol 1.30 pagi org sepatutnye tido la sengal! yang ko kol tu buat apa?

so long

you didnt offer me comforting words. so im clueless.

sayur air keladi

sabtu tengah hari. me mari umah. angkut barang2 dr kolej dgn syam.

bile mung nk balik?
tgk la. malam ni atau esok.
aku nk g tgk movie dgn syam. jom la ikot.
ok.

1.30 am
ummi tepon me. me bagi tepon ke aku.

kaklong, mokwe kritikal doh ni.
doh kaklong balik lalu ah.
me, tepon yie.
syam, aku nk balik ganu.mung? kekgi aku g amik yie kat melaka pastu g amik mung kt cyber.

dari melaka ke cyber hujan lebat. aku bagi yie drive dr seremban. mengantuk

4.00 am.
ak, me ngan yie kat MMU HB1. call syam. dop angkat. call lagi. sama jugak.
yie naik g bilik syam.

4.30 am.
gerak dr Cyber.
jalan semua clear. umi call me.

mokwe sedar doh.

lega sikit hati aku. me dgn syam tido sepanjang perjalanan. yie dop tido sgt tapi die duk belakang. hujan renyai. highway clear. dekat2 nk smpai temerloh, mengantuk sgt. lagi seploh minit nk smpi rnr temeroh, aku terlelap 5-6 kali.

6.00 am
berenti kat rnr temerloh. aku kabo ke adik2 nk tido kejap.

7.00 am
sambung balik. budok2 ni kata lapa tadi. aku niat nk berenti kat gambang makan kejap. dlm seploh minit, tepon me bunyi. banyak kali. tapi me tdo. aku tunggu. pastu ummi call aku.

kaklong, ade mana?
temerloh.
balik kampong terus la.
mokwe takdop doh.

tercengang aku. tadi kata sedar doh?
adik2 semua tido. aku gerok syam.

mokwe tadop dah.

syam tido balik.

aku smbung drive. yie mcm terjaga. aku kabo ke ye pulok.

9.00 am
smpai durian mas. aku berenti kejap. jupe tokki.

aku salam tokki. tanye dia.

tokki tau doh? mokwe tadop doh.

tokki tau doh. mmg on the way nk g. tunggu pak rasul siap.
aku tanye syam.

me tau dop agi?
mokwe tadop doh.

yie tercengang.

tadi kata sedar doh?

yie dop sedar masa aku kabo ke dia. syam aku dop ingat. aku cari me kat dapo.

me mung tau dop agi?
mokwe tadop doh.

me tercengang. merah mata dia. dalam ramai2, dia la plg manja ngn mokwe. mokwe pon sokmo tanye pasal dia.sokmo suruh dia kalau nok wat mende2.

10.30 am
smpai kat umoh mokwe.aku tgk ramai org. aku naik ikot tangga belakang.
napok adik2 masuk bilik toknyang. aku pon ikot. tgk umi ada.
tgk mokwe.

teringat masa raya kedua. mokwe duk tunjuk pokok duku toknyang.

ni pokok toknyang ni mokwe tunjuk. kekgi bile mokwe takdok uning tau mana.

smpi hok dalam rok pon mokwe tunjuk. aku ikot je. dia mcm tau2. aku mana pernah ikut g kebun situ. masa raya arri tu sungguh2 die suruh adik2 panjat pokok duku.berguni2 dapat pon dia suruh pnjat lagi. dop abih lagi katanye.

sudoh org mndi ke mokwe, org panggil anok cucu mokwe. cium die. aku cium pipi mokwe. cium dahi mokwe. tu last aku pegang dia. pastu me gi cum mokwe. me menangis. aku menangis sama. adik2 laki aku, dia sorg je menangis. sedih benor dia. aku sedih tgk dia sedih sangat.

lepas semayang jenazah, dlm pukul 11 lebih, kebumikan mokwe kat kubur. adik2 tolong. anok2 sedare mokwe tolong.


lepas kebumi aku tgk ikot luar tingkap dapur.

banyak keladi kecik2. masa raya ari tu ada 2-3 keladi je.

aku ingat2 bile last aku jupe mokwe. raya kedua. balik dr kutip buah duku. mokwe masok. sungguh aku dop ingat lauk mende dia masok. sungguh.
tapi aku ingat masa aku kat tanoh. aku tanye mokwe.

keladi takdok ke mokwe?
bakpe? mung nk makan ke?
kalau ade laa boleh masok sayur air keladi tu.kalo tadop dakpe ah.
takdok keladi ni.
dakpe la mokwe.

aku ingat keladi tumbuh banyok tu kebetulan je. aku ingat2 balik. masa balik raya ari tu aku teringin nok makan keladi sayur air mokwe. pagi raya ketiga, aku bangun tido, aku berharap sangat mokwe masok nasi goreng. nasik goreng mokwe sedap. hok ummi masok pon aku dop mkn mane. tp kalau mokwe masok nasi goreng, mmg banyok aku mkn.

sehari tu aku teringat2 sayur air keladi tu. dok leh doh aku merasa sayur air keladi mokwe.

mok butok tolong masok kenduri tahlil. sambil2 buat kerja, berbual la sikit2 pasal mokwe.

mok remoh kabo suruh aku tanam keladi iket, daun kesum iket.
syaira teringin nok makan keladi takdok ari tu.

patutla tgk banyok keladi belakang tu. memang dia niat nak bagi aku makan.
aku yang tak merasa air tangan die sayur air keladi.

aku tengok2 kat dapur. ada jeruk binjai. tgh hari tadi, makan tgh hari lauk ikan bakar. labu gulai kuning.
ulam binjai cicah budu.

air tangan mokwe hok last aku merase. jeruk binjai.
mana doh aku nok jumpe buah binjai. kat umoh mokwe ni je aku penoh jupe.

bakar ikan atas dapo kayu. mana doh nok jupe. dr kecik aku tgk mokwe gune dapo kayu tu. dapo gas ada. tapi sokmo jugok dia guna dap kayu tu. aku pikir2, lepas ni berasap lagi ke dapo kayu ni.

aku tgk tikar getah umoh mokwe. atas tikor getah ni la aku ngan adik2 besor. umoh kayu mokwe ni la tempat kami bermain. panjat dinding. intai lubang lantai sbb nok tgk ayam ada telur dop lagi. kalo ade, mokwe gi amik telur tu buat makan.

pastu kalo kami balik umoh mokwe, selagi dok makan, mokwe paksa kami makan. dia suruh jugok suruh jugok. kena la makan jugok.

banyak benda yg aku teringat2. aku redha dia takdok doh. sedih sikit sbb die dok dang tgk me. sedih me dok dang tgk dia. laju doh rasa aku bawak kete tp nk buat mcm mana.

aku dop penoh kabo ke mokwe tapi harap2 dia tau. kaklong sayang mokwe.

kaklong rindu doh ke mokwe ni.
dari tuhan kita datang. pada dia kita pulang.
semoga arwah mokwe dalam golongan orang2 beriman.

24th

a week later, here's what i did when i turned 24.

got myself miho, kim & kyu.
miho is a little sick and kyu is just too small. kim is delightfully healthy and playful.
i got over my paranoia with cats.

i attended an interview and screwed it up big time. didnt study much. so i was like, im sorry, i forgot already. it's been a year and my knowledge is a little rusty. but they boss seemed nice and there is this one cutie. it'd be fun if i get the post. but, i'm not hoping too much.

i got sick. i still am. sore throat borderline to asthma or so i thought. it wont get better. im a little worried.

went to eat seafood with apam & payeh and a few others and got lost for an hour.

had a terrible day on my birthday. got to work late. had tonnes of work. spent a few hours standing. got off work late. very very late. to be informed of a problem later. awesome.

but i get to stalk a japanese staff who look like izzul --> check my facebook photo

i feel like weeping to sleep tonight.

duh

i can take directions pretty well, thank you very much.

no need to take me like some thickheaded aunty la dey!

??

i do not understand it when people name their things like they're some kind of pet.

Contoh plg dekat.

Emie panggil kete dia Nifi.

?????????


Oh never mind me, entry ini takde arah tujuan. Just wanna say it out loud.